Finding your freestyle. Sounds easy right? Freestyling. Like something you just do automatically. Press play and let go, lose yourself in the music and dance. What is it about freestyle dance, or even singing, that makes me feel so vulnerable and uncomfortable? I am strong, I'm a fighter, I have a voice, I know who I am and where I’ve come from. I stand tall in that space.
Choreography, teach me and I will follow, I will learn it, practice it and eventually work to make it my own. I even performed in a flash mob earlier this month in front of a few hundred people. But tell me to just dance, move, do what feels good and I freeze. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have any moves in my back pocket waiting to be showcased. I want to retreat to the corner. In that moment I am raw. With every layer peeled back revealing my core, my fear, embarrassment and my emotions that I keep so neatly tucked away. My brain explodes. I am lost. Sharing emotions that reflect a loss of control, such as lack of perfectionism, or fear, has been engrained as a weakness. It’s debilitating. I am in control of myself; I am not afraid of anything. I have a handle on everything, even when I don’t. Or so it appears.
But, this is why I am here. Since when do I choose the easy path? I intentionally place myself in uncomfortable or challenging situations in an effort to grow, to learn and to overcome. My tattoo is an expression of my life to this point, Invictus. Unconquerable. I refuse to accept my own excuses. I will not fall. I need to give myself permission to dance, to let go and free myself from my own restraints. To allow self-expression outside of the words I share here with you. I want to learn the skill and technique. I want to learn to dance. I want to be free from myself. To move to the music with purpose and passion and to openly make mistakes, feel silly and even awkward. Freestyle isn’t meant to be perfect; it’s an individual expression. This journey is going to take time, practice, grace and patience. I am in it for the long haul. I watch the others spontaneously create movement and am inspired. I so deeply want that. I envision it. I want to be confident in my freedom in a world that makes us feel and believe otherwise. Ordinary people have had an extraordinary impact on my life. I am grateful to be surrounded by so many at School of Breaking.
After only a few short months, and many more to come, my School of Breaking family has had an impact on my life. And to you all, I say this:
You’ve inspired me.
Believed in me.
Cheered me on.
You’ve made a difference in my life.
Today and everyday, I am thankful.
Appreciate the people who help you, who are there for you, who see that you are vulnerable and don’t just look away. Thank you all for allowing me to share myself openly and honestly with you, and in return you’ve provided a safe space with constant support, acceptance, patience, friendship and love.