Organized Chaos

Deflated. Giving 110% in each aspect of life only to realize that my best just isn't good enough. Not at that moment it wasn't. A solid sense of failure sets in. Instantaneous deep thoughts and soul searching occurs to determine what I could have done better, how can I be the best I can be in all I am doing and to those around me in a time of such chaos. A multitude of emotions drip over me. I keep going, I push harder than yesterday, I reevaluate and try again. It is the only answer.

Keeping a game face all of the time can be exhausting, even for the utmost perfectionists. I, too, have the need to just be from time to time. To remove the shield that surrounds me, to feel and breathe and speak directly, in a manner less politically correct than my norm. This may come as a surprise to some, as it is part of me to be fully composed, reacting in a calm, realistic manner and taking a big picture view in every situation. How is it that I fully understand the inability to be perfect, yet I require myself to be?

Living in stress, organized chaos surrounding and turning the corner to realize, I don't need to be consumed by it. I don't need to allow this to control me. A changing of the seasons, colors change, a new leaf turned. Each day reveals a fresh layer, new experience, emotion and insight. Risk and sacrifice, many fear those words but I, I have found comfort in them. Knowing that step by step, risk and leaps and sacrifices, I will succeed. That said, after twelve and a half years of service to the company which I stepped down in position from to return to school, I gave full notice. Working my way up in success to management, back to part time in another area and now leaving the company and entire industry to pursue the direction of my studies, nutrition. A sense of peace, yet again, this is the right decision. Starting Invictus, LLC as a nutrition consultant opened the door to now partnering with  a local supplement and nutrition store in Denver to offer independent nutrition consulting and coaching, writing plans for their clients. In order to be successful in this path, in order to provide for myself and have the ability to cover living expenses come June when the loan funds have disappeared, most of all in order to build the foundation for my business and create success, I must give 100% of myself. It allows the flexibility to maintain school hours and studies, yet I continue to flounder in an attempt to actually have a schedule, it is slowly progressing. I have the opportunity to wake up every day and know that I am going to help people, I am going to change lives. That is powerful. That holds more meaning and value that any extreme paycheck would offer. That makes me happy. Not to say I don't have a learning curve ahead, I do, and I will take the challenge, absorb all information possible, grow and continue to be a better me for others, and their success. Suddenly the stress and overwhelming feelings that have consumed me these last weeks have lightened in weight. I am doing the right thing. 

Training for competition, choosing to do the NPC Bikini Division another time, instead of the next level up, provides a sense of relief. My personal goals in competing is to be a better me than yesterday, better physically, stronger mentally, than the last time on stage. It is not an easy journey for anyone, mind, body, soul, all incorporated during these weeks of training. I choose not to put my fate in the judges hands to tell me what place I am, when I step on stage knowing I've given every ounce of me and more, I know my place. I am there to show my work and be proud of me and all of those standing near who have worked so hard to reach their goals. While I look forward to the finish line, I appreciate the journey. This is where I learn, this is where I grow, this is where I come across the path of many others who are in need of that motivation or support, or provide it to me when I didn't even realize I needed it. 

Find success through who you are, not someone else. Create yourself. Allow the seasons to change and be adaptable and resilient enough to change with them, it is amazing where you find yourself.