The Band Keeps Marching On..

This is the point most would stop and question.. what am I doing? Why do I need to be this person, why do I need to step out of normalcy and create havoc in my world... why can't I just follow the expectation and be.. happy where I am. The inner voice, the bold pioneer, the one who so gently pushes me to this edge and the one who screams at the sign of contentment. Always more. More to learn, more to be, more to see and more to know. The edge. Dark, questionable, new, less traveled, exhilarating. Scary. Scary..  yet always a sense of deep inner calm.

So.. money. Money isn't real. Right? I mean.. We all work hard to pay bills, live, maybe save a penny or two. We stress about debt and credit. But.. at the end of the day, why? Guilty. I work hard to keep debt at mortgage, car and monthly household bills. That is all about to change. Finances are the biggest stress of my decisions to go back to school. Reality check. Financial Aid says sorry Jess, we see that your new reduced income only covers 40% of your monthly expenses, but.. you got this. It's cool. Standing in front of the oh so helpful financial aid assistant, holding back tears explaining what I'd just done to get here as though I expected a high five and.. nothing. 

Call my financial institution, they have a private student loan program. Money isn't real.. understanding and not quite accepting that debt is going to be a survival tool. It isn't as though I have a shopping habit, this debt is to pay for school, an education, I can only do what I can do.. money is not going to stop me from pushing onward. Unless I can't get it. A cosigner. Is this a joke, a cosigner.. at 35, working since I was 14, purchased everything on my own from a young age, never had any financial support or backing at any point.. and if I fell, there was nobody to catch me. So the answer, was that I don't ever fall. And I will not now either. Excellent credit, spotless history, minimal debts and enough assets in 401k to prove I am able to repay. Pressing to go back for loan review, asking if I could write a letter of explanation for my circumstances.. Big Bank says no. I chose this. I made these decisions that put me in this place. I have nobody to blame but myself. But I need help.. I'm asking for help. To be penalized or set up for failure by the system is disheartening. There must be another way. There's always a way. It just may not be very pretty.

Classes begin August 19th. T minus 10 days to overcome this obstacle. Living depends on it. 

If nobody thinks you can. Then you have to.