I Will

Will I be able to pick up my sport where I left off? Will I be as good as I was pre-quarantine? Thoughts pinging around in my brain.. 

Right or wrong, being a competitive athlete is a major pillar of my identity. ‘The new normal’ disrupted my routine and training regimen for months, and opened a door for doubt to creep in. Not to mention, COVID threatened my livelihood, and while I adapted and rolled with the punches, life went new directions all together. This isn’t to say it was all bad, it wasn’t. In fact, 2020 brought a significant amount of joy, growth and opportunity in ways I never imagined. The flip side, though, is that my OCR training program, and the focus to stay on point with it, suffered. Cross training with the various endurance and OCR races I had locked in for 2020 were my accountability measure and held my feet to the fire to stay laser focused on progress. One canceled.. then two.. five.. now all 25ish race events on my calendar. Canceled. Without them, I felt lost and free all at once. I found myself jumping into other sports, learning, growing and enjoying the process. Pretty sure it’s a given, but yes, I stayed fit and active. It just looked different and created a gap between what I needed to continue my success in OCR and the ‘oh look, a squirrel!’ which was literally, anything fitness. CrossFit? Joined a box. Kickboxing.. wrestling? Both. Proud member of Factory X. I started boxing and sparring again, because, duh.. punching is fun. And it offers structure, teaches control and is one hell of a workout. And any event with a finish line, whether a 100k Ultra in Arizona or the Leadville MTB Stage Race.. sure, why not!? I’m there! 

Look. I don’t sit in this negative space filled with doubt, and I certainly don’t dwell in it. But, it is important that I acknowledge it, transparency and vulnerability are key. Who knows, maybe you’re feeling some kind of way and needed to hear this.

If you know me, you know. I’m mentally tough AF, with my no excuses, there’s nothing you can’t do, I know no limits, I’ll do it with a broken ankle, attitude. I don’t settle for anything less than my best, and THEN some. Giving less than 120% is bullshit. If you think you’ll ever reach your goals at 70%.. 80%.. you’re wrong. And frankly, you don’t want it bad enough. If you fall in the 70% crowd, how’s that working out for you? It might be time to reevaluate, and take a long, hard look at your mindset. .. Just some friendly advice. As they say, ‘the heart of a champion is a light switch that’s always on’. Not just when someone is watching. It’s a state of mind.. it’s a way of life.

Bottom line is, I CHOOSE. And now that I recognize what this internal turmoil is stemming from.. the fear of not jumping into my first competitive race exactly where I left off a year ago, of letting people down and not being the same Jess Kidd you all remember, I can address it. Head on. Cause she’s alive and well; and there’s not many that know comebacks better.. from shoulder surgeries to a season of podium wins and joining the Cerus Pro team, breaking an ankle mid race, and finishing, to qualifying for Spartan Elite. You will hear me say, there’s nothing you can’t do. And now you know why. 

2020 happened, so what. We don’t have to like it, but we do get to CHOOSE how we react to it. In reality, every year has its fair share of shit, why is this any different? I’m not the only athlete that feels this way, but that’s not the point. I don’t need excuses to make me feel better.. excuses only hold you prisoner. Don’t pat me on the back and tell me everything’s gonna be okay. I know it will. I am taking ACTION. Right now, today, and everyday. I refuse to reset my goals. They may take longer to accomplish now, but I will NOT fail my own expectations. This is me vs. me. I will show up and overcome. And I will be better than my best. 

Beast mode = ON.

A Better You Than Yesterday..: If You’re Not 1st, You’re Still Not Last

A Better You Than Yesterday..: If You’re Not 1st, You’re Still Not Last: ‘Winning is great, sure, but if you are really going to do something in life, the secret is learning how to lose. Nobody goes undefeate...

If You’re Not 1st, You’re Still Not Last

‘Winning is great, sure, but if you are really going to do something in life, the secret is learning how to lose. Nobody goes undefeated all the time. If you can pick up after a crushing defeat, and go on to win again, you are going to be a champion someday.’ — Wilma Rudolph   

Them: ‘How did you do!?’

Me: ‘I placed 25th out of 36.’ 

As though I should be disappointed by my results, they wait for any physical queues and hang onto my next words to feed their response. I shouldn’t have to set the stage, but feel like it’s required because we’re so conditioned to believe that the only positive result is to win. What does winning even mean anyway? To think, we are responsible for making Charlie Sheen a Twitter sensation with his self-proclaimed hashtag, ‘winning’. What a shit show. 

Raise your hand if you’ve ever come in last.. 1st, placed 9th or even 213th. Only you know where you stood, was it a level playing field, an easy win, or was it you against the best of the best? Newsflash, there’s a difference. Don’t get me wrong, standing on the podium is fun, it feels good and it might even feel like success. But let’s be real, it isn’t always. Because if we’re constantly winning, out performing or if we’re the smartest person in the room.. WE ARE IN THE WRONG ROOM. You know this. On a stationary bike, spinning nowhere fast, surrounded by comfort and complacency. With no growth, no change. That sounds fucking miserable. You’re lying to yourself if you think this brings you pride and fulfillment in life. You’re better than that. Stop selling yourself short. 

In life, we tend to stay where we win. Unless you’re me. I love putting hard things in front of me, I seek challenge. If it’s an opportunity for me to be tough.. I’m in. I’m not growing anywhere without it (you see what I did there?). I love suffering, and succeeding. My purpose is motivating others to be their best, by being my best. I couldn’t possibly be that person if I didn’t shoot for the stars in all I do.

Last season I made the podium in every Spartan race, except the two World Championships. Some required 110% and some, admittedly, only 80% of my efforts. Rising to the level of my competition rather than the level of my standards, shame on me. Those wins weren’t as rewarding. I had plenty more left in the tank, in my training and on the course, but I was missing something. By the end of the 2019 season, I was excited and anxious to learn that I’d qualified for the Spartan Elite heat for 2020. The next step, among the best of the best. This is what I’d been working for. I could’ve stayed competing age group, ‘winning’ races here and there because it boosted my ego and felt good. But, I was in the wrong room. I’d rather be at the bottom of the ladder I want to climb, then the top of the one I don’t. 

I know, with certainty, 2020 will be my most challenging race season to date. I know that I’m starting at the bottom and have to grind my way up. THAT is was what I was missing, the motivation to work my ass off harder than I have.. probably ever. Being surrounded by the best makes you better. Chances are slim that I’ll place in the top at all this year. It’s not pessimism, it’s reality. In fact, my goal is to place in the top 10 by the end of the season. That’s a feat in itself. Qualifying as an Elite has not only gotten harder, but the competition continues to get better, too. You’re standing shoulder to shoulder with the top Spartan Pro and Elite athletes in the country. I might be at the bottom, but at least I’m in the right room.

So what are you afraid of? To compete on an elite level with athletes FAR better than you, to apply for a higher position at work, to move your life and follow happiness, to surround yourself with people that have knowledge you don’t.. stop living in your story. About the what if’s or unknowns or potential failure if you decided to pursue more in life. The big, bad, scary ‘f’ word.. failure. Get over yourself. Without failure you wouldn’t even know success.. our most important lessons come from the toughest situations.

Don’t even give me that fear bullshit. It’s an excuse. It’s not even real.. YOU make it up. Tell me, what’s the worst that would happen by getting uncomfortable? You come in 25th place? You should be more afraid of being stagnant. 

I placed 25th out of 36 in my first Spartan Elite point ranking race of the season. And dammit, I’m proud! I left it all on the course and now know where I can improve. Challenge accepted. This was the exact kick in the ass I craved. I will bring a better version of myself to the next race, and the one after that, and the one after that.. In turn, I’ll also be my best self for my clients, my relationships, my peers and my friends, too. A win-win. Why don’t we see headlines that celebrate a 25th place finish? The winners didn’t always win. Losing leads to winning. And a podium placing isn’t the the only measurement that defines it. It’s all relative.

Watching the other Spartan Elites and top Pros at the start line, they have their friendships and camaraderie, but I knew I belonged even if I had a long way to go. I wasn’t even afraid of coming in last.. because SO WHAT. I’m growing, learning, being better than I was yesterday just by showing up. Ask yourself this. Are you showing up for yourself in your life right now? No? Then, start. Stop fucking around, complaining about what you don’t have or where you’re not and take the damn jump already. Go ahead, kick and scream the entire way, that’s cool. But, jump.

Take a hard look at yourself. What about your peer group? The people you surround yourself with? Your work and your relationship.. where do you fall? Are you stuck there because you enjoy the easy win? Grow some balls and show up in life.

The fact of the matter is, that your opponent is your partner, NOT your enemy. A worthy opponent inspires you. She brings out the best there is in you. She challenges you. The better your opponent, the more opportunity you have for a personal best. 

As long as you’re in the right room, I give you permission to celebrate 25th place. Celebrate the shit out of it! Then keep failing your way to success. 

Choose to Live Big

Every day, many of us are out there fighting a much bigger fight. Leading up to the night of the Spartan Hurricane Heat 12 Hour (in Littlefield, Arizona), I was too. And it was personal. What I took onto that course was not only my desire to lead, motivate and inspire teammates, along with the excitement to participate in something greater than me, but I quietly carried my own baggage that I needed to leave behind once I crossed the finish line, too. I was determined to overcome any obstacle in my way that night. 

Photo Taken by Spartan 

We’ve all had moments in life where we stopped, we quit, we ended something, knowing we had more fight in us. That applies in any aspect of life, and that feeling sticks to your ribs. Nobody wants quitting on their conscience, ever. 

After running several Spartan Sprints, Supers, Beasts and Ultras, the Hurricane Heat was the next step up in my journey. Without any real clue as to what I was walking into, I showed up as a new face among the many HH veterans the evening of March 8th looking to motivate others to be their best, by being my best. But what I didn’t anticipate, was that the person I’d be motivating, was me.

Let me set the stage.. a Hurricane Heat is from 8 p.m. Friday night until 8 a.m. Saturday morning and is a stand alone event designed to test your mental and physical abilities through challenges, problem solving, teamwork and individual performance under physical duress. The completion rate is 40%. No pressure. The gear list included a ruck sack with a 20 pound weight (which would be carried the entire 12 hours), enough fuel for the night, hydration pack, three sandbags, duct tape, a multi-use tool, sharpie, head lamp, reflective vest and a black shirt. Your Krypteia (aka leader) creates the missions laid in front of you. You could do 300 burpees, your food could be taken from you.. you could be doing literally anything as a team and individually. Their goal is to push you past your perceived limitations. And by the way, you may not finish. Time hacks are timed challenges where being cut is a real possibility.

A few crucial pieces of advice were provided: Be prepared for anything, don't overthink it, and don't stop moving. Noted.

The Krypteia led the welcome party with squat holds, plank, and the 'tunnel of love'. All 73 of us created a circle in plank position. One by one, we crawled and squeezed our way under our teammates, ruck sacks on, around the entire circle. What seemed to be 30 minutes of plank later, we moved on to burpees as a team. Then, we were off to fill our three sandbags, which had to weigh about 15-20 pounds each. Watching the veterans, I followed suit by duct taping two of the sandbags handles together for an easier carry across the back and shoulders. This would come in handy later..

Tunnel of Love, Photo Taken by Spartan 

Nearing 1 a.m., almost five hours into the event, we were given an individual mission, a time hack. Run the Sprint course with our rucks and two sandbags, never stepping off course until we cross the finish. I found myself in the front of the pack with another teammate. The added 65-70 pounds on my shoulders and back added a whole other dynamic trekking up and down those hills, but I felt strong and anxious for what the rest of the night would bring. 

The slip wall. An 8-foot incline with a rope that hangs half way down. Not normally an issue, but I was far heavier than normal and couldn’t kick my leg over to anchor myself on the first try. The rope slid through my hands and I let go. My fall was accelerated with the added weight and I had no opportunity to catch myself. I landed all wrong and immediately knew I'd done something to my ankle. Staring up at the stars in pain, I knew I needed to get up and walk it off before I became too stiff. My teammate had gone on, not knowing I'd fallen. I saw headlamps in the distance and waited for them before moving on. Without hesitation, I tried the wall again, making it over this time. I limped and cried my way across the finish, and headed straight to the medic tent where they wrapped my ankle. My teammate duct taped my ankle and shoe David Goggins style for added support. I didn't know what I'd done, but there was only one decision, and quitting wasn’t one. Whether it was badly sprained or fractured, the outcome would remain the same. Checking in with myself, taking stock of the situation, the thought of stopping never once crossed my mind. And nobody ever asked me to or even hinted at it. In fact, I can’t recall a time I’ve had such clarity to do whatever it took to continue forward.

I told myself, until I’m faced with something I absolutely cannot do, I will not quit. And I didn't. I continued the remaining seven hours of the HH12HR 055. I could've stopped at any moment and nobody would've held it against me. But instead, I was the person I wanted to be that night. When our challenge was to to bear crawl up a long hill, rolling our sandbags up with us, I crawled on my hands and knees through the dirt and rocks instead, crying every time my ankle moved the wrong way. As the sun came up, our challenge included long jumps and burpees, I hopped and dropped into a single leg burpee. Then, crab crawls with our sandbag across our lap through the finish, I drug my frozen, taped foot through the dirt. I couldn't hold back the tears. But I did it. While I wasn’t able to help others in the way I’d originally anticipated, I was still able to provide the motivation to continue on, because I did. My teammates were going through their own struggles, but a few offered a hand when they could. They will always have a special place in my heart and an unforgettable bond that they may not understand, all because of what went down that night and the mental space I found myself in. My love goes out to them!

NXPT Crew, Photo Taken by Adrian's Girlfriend

It turned out, I had fractured my fibula in that fall five hours into the event. Yet, I still somehow completed the remaining seven hours. I overcame every obstacle in my way, including the biggest one of all. Myself. When we get to the other side of the pain, we will be changed forever. And I was. It wasn’t the first time I’ve endured physical pain during an endurance race, and it won’t be the last.. but I grew exponentially and am stronger every time for it.

Weber B Fracture, Ouch! 

Endurance events prepare you for life. How you handle them is practice for how you will handle life’s other events. Who you become because of these events is what they are about. All of the missions and challenges put before you are not there to make you better at burpees or holding plank. It’s about being a better you, and discovering what that means.

Many people I know tend to avoid pain (mainly referring to our willingness to push through temporary emotional discomfort to reach our goals.. some might include physical pain, too). But our lives actually become easier once we are able to deal with pain more effectively.

Reality check. If you’re unwilling to push the boundaries of your pain tolerance consistently, you must accept living a mediocre life. What’s worse? You'll die without knowing what it’s like to achieve or experience anything even close to your fullest potential. A low pain tolerance equals a small life. Truth.

Any goal that’s worth having in this world is probably going to hurt a little initially. Now, I’m not suggesting that you break your ankle and continue seven hours in a race to increase your pain tolerance. This is my life, this is my story.. you can write your own.

What I do know, is that once you fight through pain, the pain shrinks and your pain tolerance expands. Once your pain tolerance expands, you become more willing and able to experience more of life. Trying new things, learning things that you’re not good at, doing something that scares you to expand your comfort zone, learning not to take yourself so seriously, and most of all, living life to the absolute fullest while you’re alive and able to do so.

The Finishers, Photo Taken by An Awesome Supporter

We have ONE LIFE. Live it. And believe that you can. Stop using the idea of pain as an excuse to stay stuck in a smaller life than the one you deserve. I commit to pushing through pain because I know that I will be of a greater service to my loved ones, friends, clients, myself.. and to the world if I’m able to do so. I choose to LIVE BIG.

Now, I challenge you to challenge yourself. 

Lap 10

"Would you do it again?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because it makes me better.."

My Fabulous Pit Crew and I at the Starting Line

Imagine doing the most intense, grueling and challenging five-mile race you can think of, complete with 21 obstacles designed to test your limits and push every boundary. We must not forget to include the varied desert temperatures, 865' elevation, 2.58 miles in penalties for incomplete obstacles, being in and out of water multiple times, and everyone's favorite, the 35' cliff jump.

Now imagine running that course on a loop for 24 straight hours. 

That, my friends, is World's Toughest Mudder. 

I'm a self proclaimed tough girl. I live boldly and seek out extreme challenges, I choose to face fears and I intentionally poke at risk and view possibilities as open and endless. I've never questioned myself, my ability or my mental toughness. I just do. Unbeknownst to me, however, this race would create a whole new perspective and definition of what's possible for me. 

Course Map and Details

We were warned that the 2017 course was built to be the hardest to date. No matter the difficulty of the course, my goal was 50 miles (10 laps), and I was dead set on accomplishing it. Through all of the community posts leading up to the registration and pit set up day, the excitement, anticipation, nerves and all of the feelings that might come with this crazy race we were about to embark on, I carried a sense of peace. I had two amazing pit crew members by my side, watching out for my best interest, driving me toward that mileage goal, ready to feed me tough love when I needed it and standing by with words of motivation when I didn't. Meeting so many faces for the first time that I'd only known through social media exchanges was fun! These people are family. A support system of like minded individuals, each with their own personal goal or purpose for stepping foot on that course. There is one thing we all have in common, though, we are rooting for each other and there to assist and help through any obstacle that comes our way, together.

  

Let the Race Begin!

It's race day. Feeling present, but nervous, surrounded by the energy of 1654 other racers, hearing the inspiring final words from Sean Corvelle before our noon start time. Lap one, a sprint lap with no open obstacles. Lap two, obstacles will slowly be rolled out over the next few hours. My lap time was faster than my first! Lap three, headed in for a gear change before sundown, full wetsuit, gloves, headlamp, safety blinker, and dry shoes. Already, blisters had formed underneath 3 of my toe nails. Mistake number one, my shoes were too tight. Dammit, I knew better. Nothing a needle and athletic tape can't fix. That aside, I felt strong through my next few laps. The racers start thinning out as the night goes on, and with only headlamps lighting the way, making small talk with the next racer you see keeps you engaged and moving forward. By lap six, it was midnight and my foot was throbbing. I had to break. Four laps left to meet my goal, doing the math in my head and weighing my options. Breaking now risks exhaustion into the finish, but pushing through risks injury sooner than later. .. Break now.

Mental toughness is when you, your body, the competition, or the environment has the best of you so that you’re physically tapped out and need to determine how to pull more from yourself… in a way that’s mentally aware and engaged. It’s not just the ability to keep moving but to keep doing it in a way that’s engaged and competitive in the environment you’re in, whether that’s competing against the clock or other human beings. It’s easy when you feel good physically. It’s when that physicality leaves you.

Need I Say More?

Lap 7, the 35' cliff jump was open (midnight through the finish at noon), this would be my first jump. Through the entire lap I role played exactly how this was going to go down. I would walk off the edge, just jump, don't even think about it. I mean, no big deal, right? Pumping myself up with motivational talk all the way to the platform. I was feeling good.. until I looked down. Fear of heights or not, it's a doozy. I could hear my pit crew cheering for me on the other side. To the edge then back I would walk, a few times of this before the volunteer turns and says, "You are on Facebook live!". Well, that's all the motivation I needed! With thousands of eyes on me, off the cliff I go!

The final laps proved most challenging. But it was lap 10 that truly defined me; not just in those moments, but it defined who I am in my every day life as a friend, a competitor, a coach, and as a wife. We are faced with challenges every single day, testing our courage and willingness to change or fight for what we desire. So what do you do? Do you quit, or do you fight until the bitter end?

I started lap 10 at 11:00 a.m. on the dot, exactly 2 1/2 hours until the course closed and I knew it would take every moment of it to finish. Mistake number two, I took my wetsuit off. Gravel in areas classified as PG-13 drove me to shed this layer and replace with athletic attire. The sun never shined through the clouds, the wind picked up and the water obstacles grew colder. Most of the athletes were finishing and off the course shortly after noon, luckily there were a few racers on the obstacles requiring teamwork and we were able to pull through together. Team USA  came through at the Pyramid Scheme obstacle, it was refreshing to witness their camaraderie to ensure myself and another racer got up behind them before they went on. The volunteers at each obstacle welcomed me with open arms and warm hugs, as they did many others, THIS meant the world to me. Where I was emotionally and physically in those moments, it was that human connection and human touch, that made everything seem alright.

At Blockness Monster, another team oriented obstacle, I met a man whom I ended up walking with through the rest of the last lap. I can't recall his name, so we'll call him London. We made small talk for a short while. I was shivering cold, hurt to the touch, blisters under my toes and a possible stress fracture on my foot, the exhaustion in my body was becoming very apparent, but I was committed to the finish line. After a while we exchanged no words at all. And even through my grunts and groans he stuck with me side by side until the end. The course was scarce (nearing the 1p hour Sunday). But it was his presence alone, knowing someone was there, that made it better. To you, sir, I thank you.

I had a dramatic finish. That last lap, lap 10, was pivotal, it was a significant flashpoint in my life. What I did next would determine who I am in the moments that matter most. It wasn't about the could have's or should have's, everyone has a plan until they cross the start line. So much is out of your control and something is bound to happen in an endurance races like this. It is what you choose to do and how you react to it that determines your success. If you are on the course at the noon finish time, you have to complete your lap in order to receive your finishers band. The course closes at 1:30 p.m., which also means you must complete your lap by that time in order to receive your finishers band as well. While many athletes had already completed, I was on course pushing to make that last lap and hit 50 miles. My goal.

On the back side of the course, London and I were heading through yet another penalty (all penalties had mileage attached that did not count toward our lap miles) when two more runners came from behind shouting "15 minutes! We only have 15 minutes to finish!". As much as my feet hurt, I started to run. I glanced back to make sure London was following close behind. The cliff jump was closed for elite racers only and I wasn't about to complain. I didn't have it in me to jump in the state I was in. Emotional, holding back tears as I pushed my body beyond known limits, I watched London take the jump and I followed another racer to the bypass obstacle. Feeling a bit confused I hesitated, questioning if we were going the right way, but continued to follow him, rappelling down the mountainside into the water. He kept looking back, telling me to keep going and that we didn't have much time. We turn the corner to find ourselves in the same water where the cliff jumpers land, having to then swim across, climb up a cargo net on the side of the rocks and run to the finish. I could hear the announcer at the cliff yelling 5 minutes left! I'm swimming as fast as I can and it doesn't seem fast enough. I grab the rope in the water and start to pull myself, but there is so much slack it it's only holding me back. I've got this. YES. I. CAN. This was unknown territory, I'd never pushed my body this far, disoriented, cold, I was almost there.. and quitting was never once a thought in my mind. He yells, 4 minutes! 3, 2.. I saw a camera on me as I climbed up the cargo net, but I had no smiles. So many thoughts flashing through my mind at that point, I didn't come this far to end like this. I can do this, let's go, come on body, we are almost there! I started to run with my pit crew beside me, I was going as fast as my body would carry me. I turned the corner to the finish line and went straight to my hands and knees. Tears. The last finisher with only 90 seconds remaining. 

The Finish Line 

My emotions were running high. I was shivering and in pain. Taken to the medic tent, with a body temperature under 95 degrees. Slightly hypothermic. I completed my 50 mile goal, but I also completed almost 25 miles in penalties, too. 75 miles, on my feet, that kind of intensity and trauma to the body, the cold, exhaustion, stress fracture, pain, loss of toe nails.. for a moment I felt broken. All of that will heal in time. But the experience, the personal growth and the life lessons.. will be with me forever.

I FUCKING DID IT. I feel proud and accomplished. 

Meeting Sean Corvelle at the Finish Line

What I was physically capable of in those final miles was determined solely by my mental strength, not my physical capability. Your body can go beyond what your physical perceptions of tiredness or fatigue are. I gave myself no choice but to push past the resistance and dig deeper. You must never, even for a second, let yourself think that you can fail. 

So many thanks to share! Jon Copper, for your beautiful bagpiping through the night and following behind me to close out the finish. Much thanks to you, Sean Corvelle, for your words and acknowledgment. And to Tough Mudder Live and Matt B. Davis, for capturing these final moments. If only one picture, and one moment could sum up my entire race, this would be it. Finally, to my pit crew (Grace and Dayna), the WTM community, and friends, who continuously offer support, love and encouragement in all I do, thank you. 

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